


Strange Relations

by nan



Category: Homestuck
Genre: First Time, M/M, Other, Threesome - M/M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-03-08
Updated: 2011-03-08
Packaged: 2017-10-16 19:43:57
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,592
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/168683
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nan/pseuds/nan
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Eridan and John watch movies. Karkat joins them. Shenanigans and quadrant fills interrupt the cinematic experience. For the kinkmeme.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Strange Relations

**Author's Note:**

> Kinkmeme prompt: Eridan having flushed feelings towards John, Karkat not approving AT ALL. End game ship preferably Eridan and Karkat grudgingly sharing John.

"Egbert."

John looked up, eyes widening behind his glasses. "Oh, hey Eridan," he said, only a little cautiously. While Eridan had never done anything to him _personally_ , he still didn't seem to like John - or, well anyone else - very much. Plus, being taller and wearing that weirdo cape kind of made him look like a Disney villain. _And_ he totally murdered Feferi and Kanaya and knock Sollux's teeth out.

However, John wasn't going to be the asshole who held any of _that_ against him. "What's up?"

"I'm bored," Eridan said, looking down his nose at John. "You will entertain me."

"Oh, okay. Wait, what?" John stared at him for a moment before shaking his head. "You want to hang out with me?"

“Yeah. Everyone else is busy."

"Well, uhm." John rubbed the back of his head. "W-well, I mean, this is a little short notice-"

"You don't want to?" Eridan's composure crumbled and his eyes widened. "Why not? This is a fucking honor, _human_ , and you're turning me down?!" He turned away and starting muttering to himself just loud enough for John to catch every single word. "What's wrong with me? I'm nobility, the highest blood! What could _possibly_ be the problem here, I'm so fuckin' confused-"

"Whoa, okay! Okay," John said, holding up his hands. "We can hang out later and ...watch movies?"

Eridan looked back at him, the lower part of his face hidden behind his scarf. "Human or troll?"

"Uhm...whichever you prefer," John said with a strained smile. He'd watched troll movies before with Karkat and had been confused as hell. Maybe Eridan had better ones?

Eridan drew his scarf down, lips pursed. "We'll watch human movies," he said. "I could use a laugh."

"Okay!" John said, grinning widely. "This is going to be awesome, we can watch movies and eat popcorn and candy and, and just hang out. Come by my room later, okay?"

\----

"Egbert."

John looked up and grinned. "Oh, hey Karkat," he said. "What's u-"

"What the fuck is this about you and Eridan hanging out together, fuckface?" Karkat asked, brow furrowed.

John grinned. "Yep! We're having a movie marathon," he said. "We're going to watch all my sweet Earth-"

"Fuck," Karkat said. "Egbert, you're the most gogdamn oblivious nooksniffer I've ever seen," he said. "You're going to spend some time with the most desperate fucking troll alive. Which isn't saying much anymore, I guess, but that's not the fucking point here!"

"Huh?" John cocked his head to one side. "What are you talking about?"

"Eridan is so desperate for a quadrant fill that he's actually willing to have you fill one. And he's being kind of nice, right? So he's probably looking for a matespritship." His face hardened. "So fucking _cancel_."

John rolled his eyes. "Yeah, whatever," he said. "Eridan is like, nobility or something, right? He's not going to be interested in a quadrant romance thingy with me. Besides," he continued before Karkat could start ranting again. "So what? _You_ were after me for a kismesis thing. I'll just tell him I'm not interested, no problem." Shaking his head, John continued. "Jeeez, this is so complicated. Trolls sure are weird!" He turned to leave but Karkat caught him by the wrist.

"Egbert, I'm not fucking joking. Cancel it," Karkat said, eyes narrowing.

"What, are you the only troll I can hang out with now?" John asked, not even bothering to struggle against Karkat's hold.

Face reddening, Karkat let go and shoved his hands deep in his pockets, glaring hatefully. "You know what, fucking _fine_ ," he snarled. "See if I help you out when Eridan's fucking following you around like some kind of human wriggler after it's mother's tit."

"...have you been reading Jade's biology books?" John asked, horrified.

"Shut the fuck up!" Karkat said, ripping his hands out of his pockets and curling them into fists. "Good fucking luck, dumbass!"

"Yeah, whatever," John said, waving cheerfully. "See you later, Karkat!"

\----

"Come on in!" John said, opening the door wider. "I don't really know what kind of movies you like soooo I stuck with action and comedy."

Eridan looked around the room, doing a pretty poor job masking his curiosity with disdain. "I don't care what we fuckin’ watch as long as it's entertaining."

Sitting on the floor, John started messing with the stack of DVDs. "No worries about that. _All_ my movies are entertaining."

Sitting at the foot of the bed, Eridan crossed his arms over his chest. "I’m interested in what passes as entertainment for humans. But these won’t be better than troll movies," he said with stark certainty.

"I don't know about that," John said with a shrug. "There may be cultural differences here but seriously, you're going to be amazed."

"Whatever. What's this movie called?"

"Con Air."

\----

As John watched the movie, focusing on the exploits of his favorite actor - that he actually had memorized so he didn't really need to be as enthralled as he actually was - he felt something brush against his hair. Absently batting at it, his hand came in contact with another hand. "Uhm...Eridan?" He started to turn his head but Eridan's panicked _don't look at me!_ kept him facing the TV. "Is this a troll thing?" he asked as fingers started carding through his hair, claws sliding just over his scalp.

"I-yes. Yes it is and it's totally normal. Watch the fuckin’ movie."

Well, that was an order John could follow just fine. Sure, the petting thing was weird but Eridan was an alien. He was _allowed_ to be weird.

A few minutes passed before Eridan slid from the bed to the floor. "I don't understand why you seem to prefer the floor instead of the ridiculous human sleep pad," Eridan said, crossing his arms and glaring at John.

"Oh, I sit on the floor all the time," he said before frowning. "What's wrong?"

"I'm not telling you!" Eridan hissed before his cheeks flushed purple and he looked away, muttering, "How fuckin' appalling, a high blood like me waxing red for this lowly land-dwelling alien! My ancestor would string me up and feed me my own bulge for this!"

"I don't know what any of that means," John said with a helpless shrug. "But whatever's wrong, it can't be as bad as all that!"

Turning back to him, Eridan's eyes were mere slits of yellow and he reached out with one hand to John's face-

The door opened with a slam and Karkat came in, eyes glittering malevolently as he took their position on the floor. "What the fucking fuck is going on here?!" he asked, zeroing in on Eridan.

"None of your business, Kar," Eridan said, glaring up at him even as he shrunk away.

"We're watching movies!" John said, rolling his eyes and grinning. "I already told you that, you goof!"

Karkat hissed. "Well....okay! Fine, I'm watching them too!" He sat down beside John, glaring across at Eridan.

"Oh, cool!" John said before shrugging. "But you've already seen these and you didn't really like them the first time around. Why do you want to watch them again?"

"And you weren't invited!" Eridan threw in, chewing on his scarf anxiously. "Go away!"

"I invited myself," Karkat said. "And you want to know why I want to watch them again? Because fuck you, that's why. Now everybody shut up and let's watch these gogdamn stupid fucking movies!"

"Woohoo!" John said, throwing his hands in the air before leaning forward, resting his head in his hands as he watched Nicolas Cage be a badass. Behind him, Eridan and Karkat glared dangers at each other.

"What the fuck do you think you're doing?!" Karkat said in a harsh whisper. "Eridan, he's a fucking human, remember?"

"Yes, and I also remember you going after him for kismesis, you fuckin' hypocrite," Eridan shot back. "Go away, Kar. This isn't any of your business!"

"The fucking hell it isn't." Karkat reached over and grabbed hold of Eridan's scarf, dragging him closer. "Find a different stalk-interest. This human's _mine_."

Eridan paused and his eyes grew wide. "Karkat?" he said in a breathless whisper. "Do you have flushed feelings for Egbert?"

Karkat paused. "N-no-"

"Then it's _none of your business_ ," Eridan said, retrieving his scarf from Karkat with a sneer. "Why should you care if John and I become matespri-"

" _Don't_ call him _John_ , you fucking sea-dwelling fucker," Karkat snarled.

"You don't get fuckin' dibs just because you saw him first, brinesucker!" Eridan hissed.

"You need to back off right-"

"Uh....guys?" Eridan and Karkat paused only to find that John had abandoned the movie, instead turning away from it to watch them with a frown. "What the hell is going on? You're acting really weird. Weirder than usual, I guess."

"Tell this fish-faced nooklicker that he doesn't have permission to call you by your stupid first name," Karkat said.

"Uh-"

"Tell this low-blooded tool that you want him to leave your room," Karkat said, throwing one hand out with practiced nonchalance.

"Hey...Eridan, you know that Karkat and I have the same color blood, right?" John said, chewing on his bottom lip.

Eridan balked. "Yes, but-"

"That's right," Karkat said with a wide smirk, fangs flashing like razors in the dim light. "If anything, you're the one who doesn't belong here, oh _high blood_."

"And, uh, Karkat, I don't really buy into that whole blood thing. I mean, it's the inside that counts, right? Wait," John paused for a moment. "Well, I mean the inside of your brain and heart that counts."

"I have no idea what the fuck that shit means, Egbert, gogdamn," Karkat said, shaking his head. "Humans and their weirdo think pans."

Eridan nodded. "They are quite fuckin' weird, I agree."

"It _means_ that no one leaves. We can totally work this out - whatever the hell it is - without any leaving or any like that." He paused before chewing on his bottom lip. “So...what’s going on?”

Eridan stared at him for a moment before looking at Karkat. “Look, you already tried to get what you wanted from him and he didn’t fuckin’ go for it so why don’t you just leave and let me try?

“No fucking way,” Karkat snarled, grabbing John and pulling him closer, forcing him onto his lap. “I claimed Egbert a long fucking time ago and there’s no way I’m letting go just because you’re so fucking desperate for a gogdamn quadrant fill that you’re going after anyone who pays any kind of fucking attention, you stupid shithead!”

“Why do you care so much?!” Eridan asked, tugging on his scarf.

“Because John is _mine_ ,” Karkat growled and slammed his mouth over John’s violently. John whimpered and braced his hands on Karkat’s thighs, trying to lift himself up and away but Karkat tilted his head and softened the kiss, one hand going up to stroke John’s cheek with unpracticed tenderness.

Pulling away from the kiss, Karkat stared at John with a flush and a triumphant glare before looking at Eridan. “Oh, you’re still here. Fuck off,” he said.

“T-That doesn’t mean anything!” Eridan said, shaking his head so hard his gills flapped. “You forced that on him!”

Karkat snarled but looked at John, trying and failing to mask his dismay. “Egbert?”

John rubbed his lips, face flushed. “Wow, I guess I’m a little homosexual,” he said, shocked.

“Homo-sexual? What’s that?”

“It’s when boys like boys,” Karkat said with a shrug.

“Wow, that’s even a thing? Humans are so fuckin’ weird.”

“Tell me about it,” Karkat said before sneering. “Now why don’t you just fuck off, huh?”

“No!” Eridan leaned forward. “Since he’s a little bit homosexual now-”

“I think the correct term is bisexual,” John threw in.

“Karkat, why don’t I be your kismesis and we can share Egbert as our-”

“No fucking way,” Karkat said, pulling John into his lap and using him like a shield. “There’s no way I’m going to be your kismesis, you know I don’t hate you like that-”

“Then, then John can be our auspistice,” Eridan said, desperation shining on his face. “See how he keeps us from truly fighting each other? He’s _mediating_ already and nothing’s official!”

Karkat raised his eyebrows. “You want the same person to fill two of your quadrants? That’s pretty fucking pathetic, Eridan.”

“Shut up,” Eridan said, tugging at his scarf. “It makes sense when you think about it. Neither of us is willing to give up having him for a matespritship and _you_ don’t want to have a kismesis with me! But if we’re sharing, we should be _something_ to each other and John being our auspistice is the only thing that fuckin’ makes sense!”

“Uhm, I’m pretty sure I should have a say in my burgeoning bisexuality,” John butted in. “You guys need to explain to _me_ what all of this is before just, like, deciding between yourselves!”

“An Auspistice is someone who mediates between two trolls to keep them from turning into each other’s kismesis,” Karkat said, rolling his eyes. “Fuck, John, I’ve only explained this to you a million time.”

“Well I know but you guys are so weird and complicated and I just kind of zoned out every other time you explained to me,” John said, grinning as he glanced over his shoulder.

Karkat took a deep breath that did nothing to stifle his rage and said, “Well now you’re learning first hand, fuckass.” He looked over at Eridan, who was playing with his scarf nervously. “Fine, I’ll go with this shitty plan of yours. It’s fucking stupid and probably won’t even work but our world’s totally destroyed. Why should we bother playing by the rules anymore.”

Eridan dropped his scarf in surprised and took a deep breath. “Good,” he said, nodding. “Good.” He leaned closer to John, a frown of concentration on his face. Ignoring Karkat’s growling, he pressed his mouth on John’s in an awkwardly soft kiss.

“Ha! You kiss like a desperate grub!” Karkat said, watching over John’s shoulder.

Eridan pulled away, face awash in purple. “Shut up!” he hissed. “At least I didn’t try and chew his lips off!” To make up for his childish gaff, he started undoing John’s jeans.

“Whoa, wait,” John said, struggling again.

“Shut the fuck up,” Karkat hissed against John’s cheek, eyes locked on the skin Eridan’s slightly trembling hands revealed. “You like it.” He paused before resting his head on John’s shoulder. “Do...you really want us to stop?” he asked, ignoring Eridan’s wordless protest.

John chewed on his bottom lip before shaking his head.

“Good, now fuckin’ shut up before he changes his mind, Kar,” Eridan said. “Lift him up.” Together, they raised John up until Eridan could pull his jeans off, leaving him in his t-shirt and underwear. Tugging that down, Eridan touched his cock, eyes widening.

“Look at this,” he said, stroking John’s cock. “Look at how fuckin’ fragile it is, like a fresh little grub.”

“Oh God, don’t say that about my dick,” John said, covering his face with his hands. Karkat leaned over his shoulder and reached out, stroking his cock along with Eridan, their fingers entwining as they touched. John whined and ducked his head low, chin resting on his chest, eyes clenched tight and glasses dangling off his face.

Karkat snorted and pulled him back up by his hair. “Where are you going, fuckass?” he asked, though his brows were drawn down in concern. “You okay?”

John chuckled breathlessly. “Yeah, “ he said, head bobbing a bit. “I’ve just, you know, never done this before.”

Karkat reached up and pulling off his classes. “Good,” he said. “I’d hate to have to kill any of your fucking friends over this.” Smirking at John’s wide-eyed stare, Karkat kissed him, claws just barely skittering over his flesh as he cupped his cheek. With his other hand, he undid his own pants just enough to tug his cock out; it pressed wetly between them and he moaned into the kiss.

Eridan paused in his stroking, getting to his knees in front of them. “Hey. Don’t fuckin’ forget I’m here,” he whined, hands squeezing around John’s cock just a bit too hard.

Karkat pulled away from John’s mouth and grabbed Karkat by the hair. “Fine,” he said, shoving his face down to John’s cock. “Take care of that. And if you bite him, I’ll make you fucking wish Gamzee had caught you,” he said with a snarl.

“I would never- _mmmffff!!_ ” Karkat pushed Eridan down until John’s cock was in his throat. Eridan gagged and Karkat pulled him up so that just the head rested just inside his mouth.

“K-Karkat, don’t hurt him!” John said, reaching out to pet Eridan’s hair even as his hips buck up against his face.

“Fuck, don’t worry about it, he likes it,” Karkat said, but pulled Eridan up. “You like it?”

Eridan frowned. “No, my glasses are fuckin’ biting into my skin,” he said, slipping them off and setting them aside. “Now, let’s get on with this.” He swooped back down, taking John in his mouth and sucking, his fangs a dangerous pleasure as they bumped and prodded his cock.

John gasped, head falling back against Karkat’s shoulder, moaning. Karkat kissed him, open-mouthed and sloppy. Grabbing Eridan’s hair again, he started pumping his head up and down over John’s cock, forcing him too far down and making him gag. John cried out around Karkat’s tongue, reaching out to touch one of Eridan’s horns, gripping it at the base. Eridan moaned loudly, tongue skittering over John’s cock.

Karkat pulled back, mouthing wetly against John’s chin and cheek. “He likes that,” he said, face flushed as he watched Eridan suck harder on John’s cock making desperate noises. John opened his eyes and looked blearily at Eridan, before stroking one of his horns like he would a cock, inexperienced hands squeezing and twisting.

Eridan pulled up with a slurp. “Do them both,” he said, breathless. “Do ‘em both like that.”

John stroked Eridan’s horns, squeezing tightly, leaning forward to get a better grip. As he did, he shifted over Karkat’s lap and Karkat snarled, letting go of Eridan’s hair to grip John’s waist, humping up against his ass. “Damn it, John,” he muttered, following John forward until he could press his face in his hair. He wrapped his arms around his middle, holding on tightly as he slammed upwards.

John groaned, feeling the hardness against his ass. “Karkat, don’t...I mean, I’m not read for...”

Karkat blinked and flushed red. “No, I know,” he said, grip loosening on John. “I mean, fuck, I know that, I’m just getting off too, okay?” Hearing Eridan chuckling around John’s cock, Karkat snarled and pushed him down, holding him against John’s belly, not letting him up as he choked and gagged and coughed. John screamed, his grip tightening on Eridan’s horns, fingers turning white from the pressure as he came, hips humping upward even though he couldn’t possibly get any deeper.

Eridan pulled off slowly, panting, before moving up and kissing Karkat, forcing John’s come in his mouth. Karkat kissed back fiercely, biting and chewing at Eridan’s lips and tongue as he ground his cock against John’s ass, gripping him tightly and groaning as he came, staining his underwear and skin pale red. Pulling away, Eridan looked at John, who was watching them with wide eyes.

“Was that satisfactory for a matespritship?” The question was asked dispassionately but hope shone in his eyes.

“I, well, yeah, I guess?” John said, blushing. “I-I mean, I don’t really-” Eridan kissed him and while he wrinkled his nose at the taste of his own come, John returned it, tilting his head to deepen it. Karkat nosed his way in, running his tongue along the seam of their lips before forcing it in, turning the kiss into a messy, openmouthed tonguing. John broke it to take a deep breath, grinning.

“Wow, I can’t believe I lost my virginity to two aliens!” he said. “ _Guy_ aliens!” He stood and made a face as his underwear stuck to his skin. “Well, that’s kind of gross. I need to put on some new underwear. You two, turn around," he ordered.

“Are you fuckin’ serious?” Eridan asked, eyebrows raising. “Do you realize what we just did?”

“Come on, please?”

“Close your fucking eyes, fishface,” Karkat said, slapping a hand over Eridan’s face.

After John changed, he sat down on the bed and yawned. “What do we do now? Do you guys...want to sleep in here?”

Karkat snorted. “We can’t sleep on your fucking sleep pad,” he said, rubbing the back of his head. “We...have nightmares.”

John blinked. “...oh.”

“ _I_ could lay with you for a bit, John,” Eridan said. “Just let me change my clothing and I-”

“Not without me, fish-fucking-face,” Karkat said with a snarl. “ _I’ll_ change and be right back,” he told John.

“Me too!” Eridan said, already on his way out the door. “You won’t get back before me, Kar!” The door slammed behind them.

John stared for a moment before shaking his head and slipping under the covers. He was pretty sure this was one of the weirdest things he’d ever done. He thought about it for a moment before grinning. That was kind of what made it fun. He was asleep when Karkat and Eridan got back but if he’d been awake, he would have laughed at how they argued in quiet whispers and snarled over who got to lay where and hold what part of him.


End file.
